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At the End of the Road

5/19/2014

What if the babies are born so sick that our lives are changed forever? What if they spend weeks in the NICU and need intensive health care for years? How will our lives be changed? How will our marriage be? What will our home be like? Where will we live?

I woke up with those thoughts in my head this morning, my pulse pounding, my heart full of anxiety. I prayed, asking God to forgive my fears and to help me have faith. But I had no peace. No peace at all. And the worries assaulted me, stealing joy.

Suddenly, though I've been trooping along with such a positive attitude, I bottomed out on all my optimism, all hope, and all faith.

It feels like things might be coming to a pointhead, like any visit to the doctor will give me the news that the babies are coming, ready or not. And, this weekend, I was also physically miserable with all the discomforts that usually assault pregnancy around 8 or 9 months--because I'm actually that big now. I'm uncomfortable, even in pain with those normal and somewhat nasty side-effects of having your abdomen quadruple size. But, I could have three more months to go and there were moments during the last few days that it felt impossible.

So, I woke up this morning with a grim face and thoughts full of fear.

I knew it was wrong. I knew it wasn't the mindset God wants of me. But I was struggling to break free of it. I felt depleted of any quality that might carry me through whatever is in store. Because surely, whatever will happen in the next few months will be challenges of a magnitude that might break me.

Oh, God. How do I live through it, face it all and not be beaten down into something that changes me into bleakness? How?

All I can say, is God truly loves me. He must. Because this morning He took the time to answer me, to soothe me, to bring my peace back home, to give me strength that will get me through it all, through anything. His truth shone through in a small passage of the Bible:

"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."
Colossians 3:12-14

Love. That was the answer. Worries over my babies, my marriage, my future are truly unnecessary. God will show me how to deal with every challenge and I can face it all with a peaceful heart full of love. Loving the people around me I will have strength to be exactly the person God needs me to be..a strong person full of joy and hope.

I just need to focus on love. If I'm pregnant and miserable for the next three months, it will be more than bearable focusing on the love for my unborn children. If these little ones come early, full of health problems, I can stay strong, compassionate, and patient as I love and nurture my growing family. Oh, and how silly to worry about our marriage. My husband's love he has for his little girls and his wife is a brilliant thing, a precious miracle all in its own. We will be fine. Love will get us through it all. Through God our love is endless, without boundaries, and more than capable to carry us through.

Photo by James Wheeler via Flickr

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Not Fearing His Plans

5/12/2014

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I can't count how many times over the years I've called my Mom or Dad for comfort. It was a rough week again. I'm in the hospital. This time it is for a shortened cervix--the only thing that hadn't yet went wrong in this pregnancy. I'm here on bed rest until the babies come and fighting fear with almost every breath. We're only at 23 weeks. My little girls need more time if they are to survive.

So, I'm listening to the ever comforting voice of my Dad yesterday when something he says shoots straight to my heart. "Sweetheart. God has given you these babies for a reason. They are special to Him. They must be. Look at what they have already survived. He has great plans for them."

He has great plans for them. For my unborn babies. He knows their futures. He knows their hearts, the same hearts He's healed, defying all odds.

And when all this hit me, I felt humbled. He is allowing Me to be their mother. He picked my husband to be their father. He has entrusted us with two souls that are special to him.

So I prayed. I prayed for Him to guide me. Help me be the mother these little ones need. Help me not be afraid, because He wouldn't have set this before me if He hadn't known I was the woman for the task.

Funny, isn't it? If you read that verse proclaiming that God has great and good plans for us, you can face any challenge with peace. Peace that the world is just as it should be.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

Wherever we are, whatever challenges, tasks, worries, and hurts we face, we can face the great plans God has for us and have no fear.

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Happy Mother's Day!

5/10/2014

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The words of God shows that motherhood is incredibly important to Him. Know that he watches over you, gives you strength for each day, and a heart willing to love beyond all reason.

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Proverbs 31:10-30

Photo 1 by Vinoth Chandar via Flickr
Photo 2 by David J Laporte via Flickr

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Misery Looking for Company

5/8/2014

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I knew I looked about as bad as I felt. I kept putting my hand on my lower back and trying to keep the small collection of cards and children's cold products from falling to the floor with my chocolate shake from Sonic. I hadn't changed out of the t-shirt still plastered with my daughter's boogers and my hair was crankily hanging from a lopsided pony-tail. And, oh dear, I was so tired.

This is why the doctor's don't want me leaving the house, I realized, because I have about as much energy as a generic AAA battery. Plus, I felt worried and guilty. My daughter had a sinus infection and I should have brought her to the doctor earlier. My sister had to come straight home from work and go back out with me, my fussy toddler, and her own needy 4-month-old so we could go to the doctor's clinic and the pharmacy. Walgreen's was so busy that they said it would be about 30 minutes before the prescription for antibiotics could be filled.

Towards the counters was a small line of chairs and I did the waddle-walk unique to all large expectant mothers, until I reached a padded seat. Then, as if there was no grace left, I simply flopped myself down with a loud "thwack" onto the plastic upholstery.

Someone else was there, a middle aged man with a similarly pained expression. I gave him a little smile as he said, "Getting close?"

Close to my due date? Ha! But it's not like there is a sign on me that says "twins" so I manage a tiny chuckle and reply, "Nope, just half-way. I've got two in here."

His eyes were so gentle as he asked, a little more subtly, "How are you feeling? I remember those days. My wife always was so miserable."

I brushed it off, told him I'd had worse days. I mean, after all, I was only tired, not suffering from shingles and worrying about undergoing surgery to correct my babies' placenta.

But, when I asked him the same question it opened up a wealth of information. He was in a lot of pain. Something I would never had known with his gentle eyes and understanding smile. He was reaching out to give sympathy to a pregnant woman when he himself was suffering such severe sciatic nerve pain that he could hardly walk. Something tugged in my heart and instead of crawling into my own world of misery I shared with his. We spent the next fifteen minutes joking, sharing, trusting each other with personal insights. The pharmacist called my name and I almost felt disappointed, a feeling mirrored in his eyes as well. For a few moments, life had seemed more tolerable because we were sharing it with someone else who understood that level of misery.

Funny how that happens. I connected with a fellow soul with so much ease because they understood where I was at and was going through it themselves. I realized that is why I have joined three groups online for moms on bed rest and complicated pregnancies. It is nice to reach out and connect with others who understand because they are there too.

God doesn't give us any challenge without a purpose. I am daily reminded of this. Today I found yet another example of how he molds our hearts to better understand the needs of others.

What challenges do you face that make you uniquely capable of sympathizing with others? Do you have a troubled marriage, financial issues, difficulty completing your education, or a family member who is seriously ill? Remember that what you go through uniquely makes to capable of truly reaching out to others. God uses all things for good.

Hope you have a BEAUTIFUL day!

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Miracles Happen Everyday

At the End of the Road

Not Fearing His Plans

Happy Mother's Day!

Misery Looking for Company

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