Категория: - Everyday Miracles

When Fear Threatens Faith

12/6/2013

I was doing her hair that morning. Putting all that baby hair into it's little top-knot when the fear rolled over me and I could think and feel nothing else. Somewhere, deep inside me, I knew God waited with a well of peace, but right then my thoughts raced. Who would take down her hair? What will she be like in a few hours after surgery? What will happen to my little girl?

An over-active imagination at this point only gives the devil amazing amounts of fuel for torment. And, I couldn't fight it.

I had to almost gag down my breakfast. But I had to eat. When would we get a chance to eat again? My husband and I knew that frustration and low-energy brought on by hunger would do nobody any favors on this day. The doctor had told us to meet him at the children's ward so that he and the surgeon could make a decision about what to do with my little Adela--remove her swollen lymph node or drain an abscess that they suspected was deep within the mass of tissue.

God, oh God, why can't I feel your peace? Is there any way to feel you, hear you right now?

I was drowning in the fear. And then I remembered someone telling me to read Psalms on that day.

So I did. And peace fought its way back into my heart.

I needed something exterior of my own pain to force an idea of God's grace into my head.

But it didn't end there. The whole day was a fight for calm. A fight for patience. A fight to retain faith that in every way God was reigning over our lives and His will would be done.

The pediatrician and surgeon looked Adela over and decided to go in first and try to drain what they though was an abscess. I dressed up in the gown and cap so I could be with her when she fell asleep and them my husband and I sat out in the waiting area. Waiting. Trying not to drown in the fear.

I knew in my head that God was there. I kept praying, thanking him for being part of my life, but the fear for my little girl threatened the strength of my faith. The faith in His promises.

Yet He was truly with us the entire time. The surgery went well and when I held her in my arms again, felt the deep breaths of her body and heard her childish babble, fear gave way to thankfulness.

Oh, God, I am such a child still, needing so many reminders of how carefully you watch over us. Forgive my doubts. Train me to forget my worries. Help me to always feel your grace deep in my soul.

Tidal Waves

10/30/2013

Everything seems to happen in waves, doesn't it? In life it always feels like the bad things happen all at once--a loved one gets ill, the kids start having behavior problems at school, you lose your job, and the roof starts leaking. Yes, "When it rains, it pours." and sometimes it feels like those waves of grief, stress, fear, and worry will surely drown us before the tides starts to recede.

But there is always those calm seasons in life, and I recently realized that sometimes it is when life it at it lowest level of stress and all is beautiful that we are most likely to have the very poorest of attitudes. Why?

Two weeks ago my husband and I stopped and made camp next to a beautiful lagoon. I woke up that first morning and couldn't wait to get in the clear, shallow, calm waters. We dove in, we played, we searched for shells. And in the comfort of having low tide and a protected lagoon I became less vigilant about my daughter's safety and whether or not the camera would get wet set up at dry sand.

Then, the level of water rose fast. The rocks that held high tide at bay for the lagoon had accomplished their purpose, but the water had started to crash over the rocks with angry bursts. Within an hour there was no more lagoon and in its place was a wrathful, lapping mess of cresting waves. The fun was over.

Just like I relaxed and stopped worrying about the water safe in my calm lagoon, we grow too complacent when things go well. Often that is when we let the little things bug us and our prayers begin to sound like recited anthems instead of sincere talks with our Lord. And when we don't use those quiet spells to fortify our defenses we are left with no rocks to keep the waves at bay.

So, whatever season your life is in, I challenge you to see the big picture. If things are crashing and stormy, have faith that they will not always be this way and that God carries your life preciously in his hands as you travel through high tide. If you are swimming peacefully in your lagoon, make sure you are using these times of low stress to fortify and strengthen your relationship with God so that when the waves start to rise you can feel His presence carrying you through.

Photo by Super Devoika

Idols.....Really?!

10/27/2013

I had no idea. I'm very careful about this, so very careful. After all, it is the most important commandment to love God with all your heart and all your mind and all your soul and to have no other idols before Him.

Oh, but I did. The Devil crept in sneakily and placed a nasty little seed that grew and grew. And it seemed so benign at the time, it even felt like I must be a good person for feeling it. Do you know what it was? Guilt. Nasty-little-you-should-be-doing-better guilt.

Okay, my husband and I have been traveling abroad for years now. When I evaluate it objectively and pray about it, I always know that this is God's path for us. Sure, I remind myself that we won't always be skiing the Andes and scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef. At any moment life can change and take us in a different direction. It will be fine as long as we are careful to listen to God's voice.

But, even though I love my life, exhilarate with each beautiful experience and each precious life that touches us, here lately I've felt worry, doubt, and guilt cloud my heart. Because, there are people whom I love deeply who I'm not helping by being away from them. And so the evil thoughts grew. I stopped listening to God's voice and started praying for what I wanted. I wanted to fix my life so that all my ducks were in a row, everyone was happy, and I wasn't doing anything wrong. And if and whenever I quieted my fervent prayers long enough to hear His voice He kept telling me, "Your place is with your husband. You are where I want you to be." Over and over he would reassure me but my worry fought him, my guilt started to drown out his reassurances, and then came the horrid nightmares tormenting me even in my sleep.

Then, it happened. Yesterday, we were driving to church. The sun was shining on the surreal green hills of Tumbarumba, the little town where we are staying. I looked out the window and the beauty of it all took my breath away. Yet, running on the heals of that joy was a wave a guilt and those prayers started again. "God, show me how to help my loved ones. Create a path for me that will allow me to serve them. Please God." His reply came quietly, with peace.

You're place is with your husband. You are his helpmate. This is where I've placed you.

"Oh, but God, show me how to help my loved ones. Help me to help them."

And then came words brilliant, clear and chastising. And, so, so, simple.

I am your Master.

The words of my Heavenly Father--perfect in their simplicity. Those four words showed me how I tugged and pulled and rejected His will for me with every worry and guilt-filled thought and prayer. The well-being of my loved ones had become an object between me and God.

Ouch. And I think I even felt proud that I was thinking of loved ones and cared about them. How sneaky of the Devil to take a seed of guilt and make it grow into a valley of thorns between me and God.

So, I'm changing my prayers. I'm changing my thoughts. I'm slowly clearing away the thorns and that means I must let God have the well-being and happiness of my family. I'm putting them in His capable hands. I belong to God and He will use me as He will.

My heart sings an old Hymn this Monday morning, "Have thine own way, Lord. Have thine own way. You are the potter. I am the clay. Mold me and make me, after thy will. 'Till I am waiting, yielded and still."

I can't wait to call my parents and tell them how much I love them. Now I can say it without feeling guilty. I can call my siblings and tell them how beautiful and amazing are their lives...they don't need me. God has them. God loves them. He's watching over us all.

Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way! Thou art the potter, I am the clay. Mold me and make me after thy will, while I am waiting, yielded and still.
Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way! Search me and try me, Savior today! Whiter than snow, Lord, wash me just now, as in thy presence humbly I bow.
Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way! Wounded and weary, help me I pray! Power, all power, surely is thine! Touch me and heal me, Savior divine!
Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way! Hold o'er my being absolute sway. Fill with thy Spirit till all shall see Christ only, always, living in me!
Have Thine Own Way, Lord
Adelaide A. Pollard, 1862-1934

Photo by Walter Stoneburner

Franks and Beans

10/24/2013

Day 1: My little girl is crying...no, screaming in the back seat while my husband frustratingly tries to find a a place to camp. I was shaking the GPS and punching buttons on it as if it surely had all the answers. We finally find a crowded and cramped RV park. Then while my husband set up our tents, I try to keep a tired toddler who has been sitting all day off the roads while simultaneously organizing our amazing mess of boxes and bags.

Leaving Cairns and the comfort of our friends' home, we decided to drive a day and find a place to camp out until we moved on. We could make our trip down south as long or short as we wanted, it was all up to us. We imagined setting up our tents right next to the beach in a quiet deserted area...no one but us and the sea.

When we start something big, most of us picture what we think will happen in our minds. We might have high hopes and a bright outlook or we might be consumed with fear and worry. For me and our two-week vacation camping out on Australia's beaches I had a little of both the bright and dark expectations. And that first day felt like a disaster.

Finally, I got Adela to go to sleep after spending thirty minutes rubbing her back (something we never do since she usually goes to sleep on her own). My husband already had our single-pot meal heated and my chair seated cozily next to his. He told me "Relax. Sit down." And all I wanted to do was find some corner of the world where I could be alone. At that moment--tired, frustrated, and with low blood-sugar--I was so upset that I wasn't amazingly happy. What happened to vacation? What happened to blue skies and happy toddlers playing on the beach? We were surrounded by motor homes, tents, and streets. I couldn't see the beach at all.

God, please help me to be happy, I prayed. And even as I let the words escape me, I realized how horribly self-centered my thoughts had become as we'd encountered stress that day.

You see, happiness is a choice. People are always saying that we are surrounded by God's blessing and yes, we are, but we have to choose to let those things fill our vision of life.

I took a deep breath and walked to my waiting chair and changed my prayer, God, Thank you for my husband, for my little family, and for this time we get to share together. I sipped a cold drink, ate a bowl of frank and beans (LOL) and the world suddenly looked rosier. My husband said that tomorrow we would find that perfect spot on the beach and that for now he was grateful that we'd gotten a good day of travel under our belts.

So, that was how vacation started. It wasn't all fun and games. We had to learn to find our happiness beyond the many days of driving, the toddler teething (all four canines and one molar), and tearing down and setting up our tents and shades and organizing camping gear.

I still look back at the first day and am amazed at how close I came to proclaiming our vacation to be very-near a torturous experience with nothing to enjoy. Honestly, that attitude was horribly shameful since I know my blessings abound.

Thank you, God!

The Artist's Signature

10/2/2013

Do you ever question His existence? Or perhaps, simply the idea of creation? I think, that for the people who have doubts they need only gaze upon a natural wonder to see God.

My husband and I love scuba diving. We got our certification over six years ago and spent days exploring the reefs off Jamaica. So, of course, when our travels took us to Cairns in Australia we decided to dive the Great Barrier Reef. In one day we did two dives and after we emptied our air tanks spent the rest of our time snorkeling.

I looked at the beautiful colors, the glorious creatures great and small, and thought to myself, "God is an artist." So many exquisite colors, textures, light, movement, and shadows collided together in a great dance of life. The place is filled with great joy, a brilliant celebration of beauty. What majesty is seen there! And suddenly I didn't even care how He did it. All the theories of big bangs and evolution became meaningless because what I saw simply miraculous. It was like gazing upon an amazing work of art, knowing that what you saw was purely beautiful and I felt like I could see His brush strokes in the glorious colors, see His hands in the awesome textures, see His grace in each precious life.

I thanked Him, my eyes moist with the feeling of awe filling my chest. I thanked Him for leaving behind His signature on the Earth. We see His work everywhere and especially in undefiled nature. The Great Barrier Reef was completely incredible.

Closing Time

9/17/2013

I hear "Closing Time" in my head as I get out the bags and boxes and begin to sift through my life. I long ago stopped thinking of moving as a time to dread, perhaps I've done it too much. We came here with three duffle bags...all and everything we should truly need for the next year. But, we've accumulated much more in the last 6 months. I took out the 3 duffle bags this morning and began to look at what we had.

This used to scare me. I remember when I went to Argentina I stuffed 4 dufflebags plumb full of clothes, books, miscilaneous items that I just knew I wouldn't be able to do without...and they were all just for me. Perhaps half or more of what I took to that country got left behind. I didn't need them and didn't have room for them when we left. And you know what? When I left those things behind I felt no sense of loss, only liberation. I wouldn't have to carry them around or keep track of them anymore for they were no longer mine.

Moving. Packing. Throwing away junk. Preparing for a journey. I am doing it all and I hear in my head the words to that song "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

Those endings come with sadness, they always do. When you leave behind friends in another country you know there will be little chance of returning and seeing them again until you meet them in Heaven. We all say, "We'll see you again. We'll visit." But the words are said to ease the pain of parting. These are all people who held by baby when she was little and got to watch her take some of her first steps as she learned to walk. These are people who filled our lives with conversation and friendship even though we were foreign.

I know I will make new friends and with God's strength I look toward new beginnings with interest and excitement. I begin to fill up the three duffle bags, leaving behind the items that aren't necessary, trusting that along the way our needs will be provided for. God always does that, you see, and the more I trust in him and stop my worried planning, I find contentment and peace.

So, when the last zipper is closed and the bags placed by the door, I say a little prayer for me, for my little family, and I also ask God to be with all the other people who preparing for their own new beginnings. Hoping that we all will be given wisdom to know what should be left behind and have faith in the things that He will provide.

Chasing Joy

9/10/2013

My heart was so full of joy at that moment that I sucked in a breath and whispered, "God, thank you so much for this."

I chase happiness constantly, don't we all? I have many different silly little ways I think I can keep happiness around me like a comfy blanket. I think that my time-saving chores will bring me peace, my clean house will bring me serenity, and that my husband's good mood will restore my own fountain of contentment. So, in theory I should have a life abounding in joy....but that isn't always the case at all.

Today I was preparing my little family to move again. This time we don't have a home we are going to but have decided to go where the wind blows us and see more of beautiful Australia. Yes, I admit, inside I am panicky and trying not to let my mountain of worries explode into a break-down. After all, we are talking about doing all this traveling with a toddler in tow and right now with teething, tantrums, and her furious exploration, toddler times are difficult just in my clean and toddler-proofed home.

So there I was, ironing...not my favorite chore to say the least. My little girl kept wanting to move the ironing board and I kept having to move her and chastise her. I think it was the sixth time I'd had to tell her, "No" and move her away and then it happened. She looked at me with tear-filled eyes and shook one chubby little finger and angrily responded, "No! NO! No!" I stopped and immediately realized how frustrated we both were about the stupid ironing board. It is the first time (and I know not the last time) she has ever said "no".

I shut the door to the room with the terrible ironing board and gathered up my toddler because I needed a hug even if she didn't. Then, when emotions calmed down I sat her on the floor, ready to get back to work. She grinned and immediately started playing her favorite game, "chase". For a moment I thought about how much work waited for me behind that closed door, but then I looked at those sparkling eyes and gave in. We "chased" for almost a half-hour until we were both out of breath and giggling. The sweetest part about playing "chase" with her is that she likes to stop so that I will "catch" her and she can give me a great slobbery kiss.

My heart was so full of happiness I thought not an ounce more of joy could fit in my heart.

And I know, more than ever, that true joy can only be found through God, letting him have my every moment.

Photo by Rigor Mortisque

To My Empty-Nest Parents

8/21/2013

I just wanted to make sure you know this. You see, Mom and Dad, I still haven't left home. Now, don't laugh. Yes, physically I'm in Australia, on the other side of this world God created, but there is so much of me still there with you, curled up on your couch.

I don't think children ever really leave home. How could I? You hold something precious for me...unconditional love. That's why I still call you when I have good news and I want someone to cheer for me. That is why I call when I have a fever and all I want to do is hear your voice. That is why I call you when the baby is teething and I know you can't reach through the phone and hold her, but somehow I still feel your love over here on the other side of the world and it strengthens me.

So, while there are many morning I wish I could come over and cook you pancakes, drink a cup of coffee with you, and talk that idle chatter about things that matter not except that they fill quiet spaces with friendship, I just wanted you to know that your nest isn't empty. I'm still there. And yes, my old room is more a library now and I have my own home and loving family, but your home is still and always will always hold part of my heart.

Children’s children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children.

Proverbs 17:6

Buried Fear

8/16/2013

“They say God made Australia last when he got tired of making everything else the same.” Those were the words that rolled around in my head as Ayer’s rock loomed up in front of us. There is no photo that does justice to the majesty of this place. The domed mountain rises from the desert ground conspicuously different from land surrounding it. As I gazed at Ayer’s Rock, my breath caught and I could feel God’s presence.

It was like marveling at butterfly coming out from a chrysalis or holding my newborn daughter’s hand and noticing her tiny flawlessness. God has knitted together his creations with destined perfection.

I love it that my husband and I have the courage to pack up our life and see the world. But, this last weekend I had to battle my fear before we got on the roads. Half of the 15 hour trip (one way) is on unpaved, isolated highways. Engine trouble could result in being stranded for hours, or even a day, depending on when and who comes to your aid. I already have an unreasonable fear of car accidents. To top it off, I wasn’t thrilled about taking my toddler out of her routine for four nights in hotels and three days of driving.

But, as I gazed at Ayer’s rock, a buried mountain in the middle of a desert, I knew it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Courage and faith got me out my comfort zone and God showed me his majesty.

Isn’t that the way it always goes? When we battle our fear and step out in faith, our world expands and God gifts us with experiences that we could never imagine.

Learning from Camels

8/5/2013

And they were off! The camels had lined up then shot out of their position, zooming down the track in the lanky, oddly graceful, gate of a racing camel.

Yes, this was my Saturday entertainment the other weekend--camel races. My toddler thought it was awesome getting off the ranch and seeing some new faces. I felt like I'd taken her to the zoo. She had no fear of strangers and instead watched everyone with avid curiosity as if she wanted to say, "This is way better than Sesame Street." My husband and I looked forward to the event because besides the horse races and the rodeo, camel races was the only major attraction sported in the local little town down here in the outback of Australia. I think we were looking forward to seeing some new faces too.

Well, it was the second race I think when the announcer eagerly informed us that a jockey had come off his galloping beast. (That has to be a harder fall than off a horse--those camels are tall.) And, after all the camels had rallied beyond the finish line, one lost-looking camel, riderless, came into view. He had no chance of winning the race. Not only was he disqualified for loosing his jockey, he also had lost his drive and passion for making good time down the track.

No guidance. No eager nudging in the right direction. No helpful hints on how to pass the camel up ahead. No encouragement to give more than what he wanted to comfortably give.

I know that as a Christian devoted to my awesome God I should have Him in the driver's seat everything I do. I see such a pattern in my life. Those days that I rise, spend precious moments in prayer, commit my time and passion and love to His will...those are the days that I am productive, peaceful, and happy. But, when I shrug off God and settle into my own route, I rarely end up finishing the day where I pictured I would be.

So, I'm a camel. But that is ok. Like a said, they were oddly graceful and I know my grace can only come from God.