Category: Change

Courage to Fall in Love With My Premature Babies

8/6/2014

At first I was afraid to love them. Ashamed I even dreaded going into that room where their little bodies lay under plastic, hooked up to monitors, their lungs moving as machines ensured their lungs would breathe and liquid running into their veins made sure they kept on living. Every time a doctor walked up to us I felt like I was dying, just a little. Every time the phone rang my heart would drop. My world was torn and I was trapped in a nightmare. If they survived, the doctors said, they would stay in the hospital for months.

I stood on the brink, ready to jump into one of two deep pools. Because I could no longer stay where I was and remain sane I could feel my heart falling either into a deep resentment for what God had allowed or a faith that would challenge me to see each moment as a gift.

I stood on that brink far too long, building up walls, trying not to have to take responsibility for anything.

But then I jumped.

Suddenly a face obscured by plastic tubing was beautiful. The eyes that blinked out at me from below an IV line were precious. And those girls that scared me more than death itself became my daughters.

I fell deep deep into a love that will never break.

God gave me this. He gave me the courage to take a chance on a broken heart. He gave me the strength to step forward when fear was holding me in place. He showed me how to laugh during times of grief and smile even when disaster seems eminent.

And today I’m holding my girls again. My arms wrap around their growing bodies, devoid of IV lines with lungs that nearly hold their own in the world. I know, as surely as if it were a palpable, touchable thing, that grace is real. That miracles happen.

Newborn photos by Falling Star Photography

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But I Want to Right NOW!

6/6/2014

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This morning I made the horrible mistake of putting my two year-old's shoes on ten minutes before it was time to be loaded up into the van. Of course in her rational head if Mama puts shoes on her it must mean that it is time to go. So, I had to listen to ten minutes of a toddler's tantrum while I sadly thought it would be so nice if I could just explain to her that it isn't smart to wait 10 minutes sitting in your car seat and that this would be an ideal time to practice being patient. Ha!

But, as I thought about all the life lessons I wanted to teach and tell my precious little girl, I grimaced and suddenly identified with her frustration. After all, even today, right now, I'm impatient. I want to have my babies (I'm huge, hot, and uncomfortable as I get increasingly enormous). I want my husband home with me (I really really miss him). I want to have my life back on my own terms. And I want it all NOW.

Yes, sometimes I do act just as unreasonable as my two year-old.

I'm ashamed when I look back and realize how impatient and silly I have been during certain seasons of my life. Like when I wanted to graduate from high school as soon as possible. Like when it felt like I would never get married or when I just knew it was grossly unfair that I didn't have children yet. And then, when I do get pregnant I spend the last two months wishing I could get that baby out of me and then wishing I could put her back in when I found out how nerve wracking a newborn can be. I suppose I must join the rest of the human race who have always wanted it all and wanted it NOW.

Just making a guess, but I bet God watches a lot of this nervous pacing and angry foot-stomping, shakes His head, and wishes we would listen when He tries to assure us that there is a better timing for what happens in our life, that it will all happen in His great timing, and this would be a really wonderful time to develop some patience.

Yes, He is right.

When will I learn this great lesson? When will it be instilled in my heart so that I might carry around His peace no matter what season my life is in?

In Time. In time.

Because it takes time to truly learn a lesson like this and completely hone such a precious skill. And each time we come across a situation in which we must be made to wait, we will be given the opportunity to grow into that peace.

Ok, since my impatience will not change how fast I get the things I want, I will practice patience. I will practice trust in God to guide my paths. I will practice faith in His promise of perfect timing.

"through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."
Romans 5:2-4

Photo by Mindaugas Danys via Flickr

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At the End of the Road

5/19/2014

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What if the babies are born so sick that our lives are changed forever? What if they spend weeks in the NICU and need intensive health care for years? How will our lives be changed? How will our marriage be? What will our home be like? Where will we live?

I woke up with those thoughts in my head this morning, my pulse pounding, my heart full of anxiety. I prayed, asking God to forgive my fears and to help me have faith. But I had no peace. No peace at all. And the worries assaulted me, stealing joy.

Suddenly, though I've been trooping along with such a positive attitude, I bottomed out on all my optimism, all hope, and all faith.

It feels like things might be coming to a pointhead, like any visit to the doctor will give me the news that the babies are coming, ready or not. And, this weekend, I was also physically miserable with all the discomforts that usually assault pregnancy around 8 or 9 months--because I'm actually that big now. I'm uncomfortable, even in pain with those normal and somewhat nasty side-effects of having your abdomen quadruple size. But, I could have three more months to go and there were moments during the last few days that it felt impossible.

So, I woke up this morning with a grim face and thoughts full of fear.

I knew it was wrong. I knew it wasn't the mindset God wants of me. But I was struggling to break free of it. I felt depleted of any quality that might carry me through whatever is in store. Because surely, whatever will happen in the next few months will be challenges of a magnitude that might break me.

Oh, God. How do I live through it, face it all and not be beaten down into something that changes me into bleakness? How?

All I can say, is God truly loves me. He must. Because this morning He took the time to answer me, to soothe me, to bring my peace back home, to give me strength that will get me through it all, through anything. His truth shone through in a small passage of the Bible:

"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."
Colossians 3:12-14

Love. That was the answer. Worries over my babies, my marriage, my future are truly unnecessary. God will show me how to deal with every challenge and I can face it all with a peaceful heart full of love. Loving the people around me I will have strength to be exactly the person God needs me to be..a strong person full of joy and hope.

I just need to focus on love. If I'm pregnant and miserable for the next three months, it will be more than bearable focusing on the love for my unborn children. If these little ones come early, full of health problems, I can stay strong, compassionate, and patient as I love and nurture my growing family. Oh, and how silly to worry about our marriage. My husband's love he has for his little girls and his wife is a brilliant thing, a precious miracle all in its own. We will be fine. Love will get us through it all. Through God our love is endless, without boundaries, and more than capable to carry us through.

Photo by James Wheeler via Flickr

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God is a Hard Taskmaster

4/16/2014

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God, help me to not worry. Show me how I can learn and grow. Teach me to rely on You. Help me strengthen my faith.

I've prayed that prayer thousands of times over the years. I've been a professional worrier since I could toddle. So concerned with the "what ifs" of life I had ulcers around the time I was ten years old.

And as I grew up I realized how great a sin worry is and how desperately my heart needed to be purged of such unfaithful habits.

Slowly, but surely, I did start to change, started to change habits of worry into habits of faith. But, I am still very good at over-planning, over-thinking, over-analyzing problems to the point that I can make myself sick. And with my imagination I don't just consider possibilities, sometimes I even live through them in my head. I can imagine a situation in such detail that I'll be in tears over something that hasn't and might not ever, happen.

Worry is the crack in which the devil hurts me the deepest.

And, I kept praying and praying for God to show me how to change, how to shield my heart and mind against the attacks that I keep inviting into my life.

Well, God is truly a hard taskmaster. I am now getting moment-by-moment lessons on faith. Every second the reality of possibly losing my unborn babies is thrust before me and yet there is still hope that several weeks from now I might hold two healthy baby girls in my arms.

I cannot live but to focus only on what today brings me and not live in fear of what tomorrow might hold. Prayers constantly cross my lips, heart, and mind and a habit that I once thought impossible to learn has now become a necessity for survival. As Jesus said, I must not "worry about tomorrow for today has enough worries of its own." God is teaching me how to live for today and have faith that he will get me through all tomorrow will bring.

I love my Teacher. He has taken a firm hand in making sure I learn and grow. He has listened to my pleas and daily teaches me lessons that strengthen my faith.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."
Matthew 7:7

Photo by Leland Francisco via Flickr

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All Things for Good.... Even This

4/11/2014

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Use it all God. Every hurt, Every heartbeat. I give it all to you. You use all things for good. Use me.

As I pray those words I can feel it, like a spring bulb emerging from the soil, life is coming out of the coldness and promising beauty.

Right now, my life is in a tender season where every hurt is deep and hard and every joy is brilliant as the sun.

God, in His great wisdom, has given me identical twin girls who now a battle a rare sickness before they are even born. And this has thrown my world upside-down. I left my husband in Russia to see the amazing medical professionals here in the United States. I left my daughter with my mother-in-law while I underwent surgery this week. I lie in bed now trying not to let every worry and doubt shatter my faith into pieces.

But, with every breath, I feel strength of a new and amazing kind burn within me. God is taking me to new heights, burning away the old and replacing it with a new kind of love and power that comes from Him.

And everywhere I look I start to see the changes and am amazed. I am closer to my mother-in-law, loving and appreciating her undaunted insistence to care for her family. I see and admire the strength and love of my sister who has taken me in to care for me even as she juggles her own full life. I thank God daily for the courage and trust of my husband who always knows just what to say to take away my worries and encourage me and I can feel his loving arms around me even though we are oceans apart.

Even when I had to go to Houston for surgery and every moment was a challenge just to remember to focus and breathe and pray, I was blessed with physicians, surgeons, and nurses who cared enough to hold my hand and even hug me in the hard moments. And my brother-in-law who has no experience with pregnancies and babies, took time off of work so that he could see me though the procedure, make me laugh in the hospital, and see me safely back home again.

I can see God smiling at me through every crack in this topsy-turvey world. His love shines out at me through a thousand souls who pray for us, hug us, love us, and offer a helping hand.

So, God, let me not see this as a time of pity, but a time for your power. Use it all for Your great good. I give it all to you.

Photo by Fountain_Head via Flikr

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Moth to the Light

2/6/2014

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I've been thinking about habits a lot here lately. So far from perfect, there are many things I should change. And really, there is no excuse not to change. In my head I know I have everything I need to put change into effect, but I drag my heels. I make excuses. I ask God to show how to start changes or how to change even though usually I already know the answers and use such petitions as an excuse to wait... and wait.

Oh, but if I change the way I think about God, suddenly the whole situation transforms.

If I think about God in me--beautiful, powerful, perfect, loving, and incredible in every way--change no longer seems a chore, but an inevitable push into something more great and awesome than any existence I have ever experienced.

If I think about God's nature I know change is pleasing, precious, and full of joy.

If I think about God's power I know change is the coming of light into darkness, the bringing of sunlight into the night.

The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.
John 1:5

And suddenly there are no more excuses to be made, because everything in me is flowing with God's will. Like a moth to a bright light I have no will to fight my destiny. Instead I long for it, fight for it, and fly to it.

Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.
Isaiah 40:31

Photo by Moyan_Brenn via Flickr

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Miracles Happen Everyday

Courage to Fall in Love With My Premature Babies

But I Want to Right NOW!

At the End of the Road

God is a Hard Taskmaster

All Things for Good.... Even This

Moth to the Light

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