Category: Fear - Everyday Miracles

Courage to Fall in Love With My Premature Babies

8/6/2014

At first I was afraid to love them. Ashamed I even dreaded going into that room where their little bodies lay under plastic, hooked up to monitors, their lungs moving as machines ensured their lungs would breathe and liquid running into their veins made sure they kept on living. Every time a doctor walked up to us I felt like I was dying, just a little. Every time the phone rang my heart would drop. My world was torn and I was trapped in a nightmare. If they survived, the doctors said, they would stay in the hospital for months.

I stood on the brink, ready to jump into one of two deep pools. Because I could no longer stay where I was and remain sane I could feel my heart falling either into a deep resentment for what God had allowed or a faith that would challenge me to see each moment as a gift.

I stood on that brink far too long, building up walls, trying not to have to take responsibility for anything.

But then I jumped.

Suddenly a face obscured by plastic tubing was beautiful. The eyes that blinked out at me from below an IV line were precious. And those girls that scared me more than death itself became my daughters.

I fell deep deep into a love that will never break.

God gave me this. He gave me the courage to take a chance on a broken heart. He gave me the strength to step forward when fear was holding me in place. He showed me how to laugh during times of grief and smile even when disaster seems eminent.

And today I’m holding my girls again. My arms wrap around their growing bodies, devoid of IV lines with lungs that nearly hold their own in the world. I know, as surely as if it were a palpable, touchable thing, that grace is real. That miracles happen.

Newborn photos by Falling Star Photography

At the End of the Road

5/19/2014

What if the babies are born so sick that our lives are changed forever? What if they spend weeks in the NICU and need intensive health care for years? How will our lives be changed? How will our marriage be? What will our home be like? Where will we live?

I woke up with those thoughts in my head this morning, my pulse pounding, my heart full of anxiety. I prayed, asking God to forgive my fears and to help me have faith. But I had no peace. No peace at all. And the worries assaulted me, stealing joy.

Suddenly, though I've been trooping along with such a positive attitude, I bottomed out on all my optimism, all hope, and all faith.

It feels like things might be coming to a pointhead, like any visit to the doctor will give me the news that the babies are coming, ready or not. And, this weekend, I was also physically miserable with all the discomforts that usually assault pregnancy around 8 or 9 months--because I'm actually that big now. I'm uncomfortable, even in pain with those normal and somewhat nasty side-effects of having your abdomen quadruple size. But, I could have three more months to go and there were moments during the last few days that it felt impossible.

So, I woke up this morning with a grim face and thoughts full of fear.

I knew it was wrong. I knew it wasn't the mindset God wants of me. But I was struggling to break free of it. I felt depleted of any quality that might carry me through whatever is in store. Because surely, whatever will happen in the next few months will be challenges of a magnitude that might break me.

Oh, God. How do I live through it, face it all and not be beaten down into something that changes me into bleakness? How?

All I can say, is God truly loves me. He must. Because this morning He took the time to answer me, to soothe me, to bring my peace back home, to give me strength that will get me through it all, through anything. His truth shone through in a small passage of the Bible:

"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."
Colossians 3:12-14

Love. That was the answer. Worries over my babies, my marriage, my future are truly unnecessary. God will show me how to deal with every challenge and I can face it all with a peaceful heart full of love. Loving the people around me I will have strength to be exactly the person God needs me to be..a strong person full of joy and hope.

I just need to focus on love. If I'm pregnant and miserable for the next three months, it will be more than bearable focusing on the love for my unborn children. If these little ones come early, full of health problems, I can stay strong, compassionate, and patient as I love and nurture my growing family. Oh, and how silly to worry about our marriage. My husband's love he has for his little girls and his wife is a brilliant thing, a precious miracle all in its own. We will be fine. Love will get us through it all. Through God our love is endless, without boundaries, and more than capable to carry us through.

Photo by James Wheeler via Flickr

Not Fearing His Plans

5/12/2014

I can't count how many times over the years I've called my Mom or Dad for comfort. It was a rough week again. I'm in the hospital. This time it is for a shortened cervix--the only thing that hadn't yet went wrong in this pregnancy. I'm here on bed rest until the babies come and fighting fear with almost every breath. We're only at 23 weeks. My little girls need more time if they are to survive.

So, I'm listening to the ever comforting voice of my Dad yesterday when something he says shoots straight to my heart. "Sweetheart. God has given you these babies for a reason. They are special to Him. They must be. Look at what they have already survived. He has great plans for them."

He has great plans for them. For my unborn babies. He knows their futures. He knows their hearts, the same hearts He's healed, defying all odds.

And when all this hit me, I felt humbled. He is allowing Me to be their mother. He picked my husband to be their father. He has entrusted us with two souls that are special to him.

So I prayed. I prayed for Him to guide me. Help me be the mother these little ones need. Help me not be afraid, because He wouldn't have set this before me if He hadn't known I was the woman for the task.

Funny, isn't it? If you read that verse proclaiming that God has great and good plans for us, you can face any challenge with peace. Peace that the world is just as it should be.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

Wherever we are, whatever challenges, tasks, worries, and hurts we face, we can face the great plans God has for us and have no fear.

All Things for Good.... Even This

4/11/2014

Use it all God. Every hurt, Every heartbeat. I give it all to you. You use all things for good. Use me.

As I pray those words I can feel it, like a spring bulb emerging from the soil, life is coming out of the coldness and promising beauty.

Right now, my life is in a tender season where every hurt is deep and hard and every joy is brilliant as the sun.

God, in His great wisdom, has given me identical twin girls who now a battle a rare sickness before they are even born. And this has thrown my world upside-down. I left my husband in Russia to see the amazing medical professionals here in the United States. I left my daughter with my mother-in-law while I underwent surgery this week. I lie in bed now trying not to let every worry and doubt shatter my faith into pieces.

But, with every breath, I feel strength of a new and amazing kind burn within me. God is taking me to new heights, burning away the old and replacing it with a new kind of love and power that comes from Him.

And everywhere I look I start to see the changes and am amazed. I am closer to my mother-in-law, loving and appreciating her undaunted insistence to care for her family. I see and admire the strength and love of my sister who has taken me in to care for me even as she juggles her own full life. I thank God daily for the courage and trust of my husband who always knows just what to say to take away my worries and encourage me and I can feel his loving arms around me even though we are oceans apart.

Even when I had to go to Houston for surgery and every moment was a challenge just to remember to focus and breathe and pray, I was blessed with physicians, surgeons, and nurses who cared enough to hold my hand and even hug me in the hard moments. And my brother-in-law who has no experience with pregnancies and babies, took time off of work so that he could see me though the procedure, make me laugh in the hospital, and see me safely back home again.

I can see God smiling at me through every crack in this topsy-turvey world. His love shines out at me through a thousand souls who pray for us, hug us, love us, and offer a helping hand.

So, God, let me not see this as a time of pity, but a time for your power. Use it all for Your great good. I give it all to you.

Photo by Fountain_Head via Flikr

Old Mexico

1/15/2014

I remember the first time I went to Mexico. I went down to visit my husband's family. We were only dating then. It was before all the problems with the drug cartels and the little border town was alive and swinging. But, back then, on the arm of my boyfriend and armed with only basic Spanish phrases, going into Old Mexico was terrifying for me.

It was a situation marinated in discomfort. I didn't know the language. I didn't understand the culture. I was young, shy, and worried about impressing an extended family that might someday become my in-laws.

That trip was a total of three days and seemed to last a lifetime.

I've went back a few times since then, and each time I've felt more relaxed and a bit more comfortable. But nothing compared to this last trip that we took back in December.

It was... to put it in one word... beautiful. My husband's family was going down to visit and to do some work on a ranch. Since I had the little one to look after I opted to stay only a few days. But it was definitely a precious experience. My daughter got to meet her great grandmother and spend lots of time with aunts, uncles, and cousins. When it came time for me to return to the states I realized that there had been no discomfort, no worries, no fear or thoughts of being insufficient. I had been happy.

What changed? My husbands family had undergone no earth-shattering transformations. The were the same sweet, welcoming people that I've known for years. The little Mexican town was altered, of course, there were new modern stores and other examples of progress on its bright-colored streets. But that didn't account for just how different I felt this time compared all the times before.

I knew though what made this visit so different... it was me. It was a shift in my motives and thoughts. That first time I'd come down all I thought about was me. I thought about how I liked the food, how strange the culture was to me. I worried about whether I was liked or accepted by by his family. All negative and all self-centered.

But this time, this time the trip was not about me at all. I thought about other things, like how precious it was that my husband's grandmother got to meet her great granddaughter. I thought about how sweet it was to share dinner with an aunt and uncle and laugh with them when my little girl ate multiple homemade tortillas. I thought about how blessed my family was to be able to come there.

How much a person can change in eight years is incredible. But, I think all my best changes have come from God. Every time I've struggled, every time I've taken on challenges, every time I've allowed faith to reign instead of fear I've been changed. Surely, I am thankful for every time God takes out his tools of change and goes to work on my heart and soul.

Photo by medea_material

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
2 Corinthians 5:17

What have you experienced in life that has altered your heart?

Praying for Healing. Believing in Him.

11/20/2013

Idols.....Really?!

10/27/2013

I had no idea. I'm very careful about this, so very careful. After all, it is the most important commandment to love God with all your heart and all your mind and all your soul and to have no other idols before Him.

Oh, but I did. The Devil crept in sneakily and placed a nasty little seed that grew and grew. And it seemed so benign at the time, it even felt like I must be a good person for feeling it. Do you know what it was? Guilt. Nasty-little-you-should-be-doing-better guilt.

Okay, my husband and I have been traveling abroad for years now. When I evaluate it objectively and pray about it, I always know that this is God's path for us. Sure, I remind myself that we won't always be skiing the Andes and scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef. At any moment life can change and take us in a different direction. It will be fine as long as we are careful to listen to God's voice.

But, even though I love my life, exhilarate with each beautiful experience and each precious life that touches us, here lately I've felt worry, doubt, and guilt cloud my heart. Because, there are people whom I love deeply who I'm not helping by being away from them. And so the evil thoughts grew. I stopped listening to God's voice and started praying for what I wanted. I wanted to fix my life so that all my ducks were in a row, everyone was happy, and I wasn't doing anything wrong. And if and whenever I quieted my fervent prayers long enough to hear His voice He kept telling me, "Your place is with your husband. You are where I want you to be." Over and over he would reassure me but my worry fought him, my guilt started to drown out his reassurances, and then came the horrid nightmares tormenting me even in my sleep.

Then, it happened. Yesterday, we were driving to church. The sun was shining on the surreal green hills of Tumbarumba, the little town where we are staying. I looked out the window and the beauty of it all took my breath away. Yet, running on the heals of that joy was a wave a guilt and those prayers started again. "God, show me how to help my loved ones. Create a path for me that will allow me to serve them. Please God." His reply came quietly, with peace.

You're place is with your husband. You are his helpmate. This is where I've placed you.

"Oh, but God, show me how to help my loved ones. Help me to help them."

And then came words brilliant, clear and chastising. And, so, so, simple.

I am your Master.

The words of my Heavenly Father--perfect in their simplicity. Those four words showed me how I tugged and pulled and rejected His will for me with every worry and guilt-filled thought and prayer. The well-being of my loved ones had become an object between me and God.

Ouch. And I think I even felt proud that I was thinking of loved ones and cared about them. How sneaky of the Devil to take a seed of guilt and make it grow into a valley of thorns between me and God.

So, I'm changing my prayers. I'm changing my thoughts. I'm slowly clearing away the thorns and that means I must let God have the well-being and happiness of my family. I'm putting them in His capable hands. I belong to God and He will use me as He will.

My heart sings an old Hymn this Monday morning, "Have thine own way, Lord. Have thine own way. You are the potter. I am the clay. Mold me and make me, after thy will. 'Till I am waiting, yielded and still."

I can't wait to call my parents and tell them how much I love them. Now I can say it without feeling guilty. I can call my siblings and tell them how beautiful and amazing are their lives...they don't need me. God has them. God loves them. He's watching over us all.

Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way! Thou art the potter, I am the clay. Mold me and make me after thy will, while I am waiting, yielded and still.
Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way! Search me and try me, Savior today! Whiter than snow, Lord, wash me just now, as in thy presence humbly I bow.
Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way! Wounded and weary, help me I pray! Power, all power, surely is thine! Touch me and heal me, Savior divine!
Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way! Hold o'er my being absolute sway. Fill with thy Spirit till all shall see Christ only, always, living in me!
Have Thine Own Way, Lord
Adelaide A. Pollard, 1862-1934

Photo by Walter Stoneburner

Chasing Joy

9/10/2013

My heart was so full of joy at that moment that I sucked in a breath and whispered, "God, thank you so much for this."

I chase happiness constantly, don't we all? I have many different silly little ways I think I can keep happiness around me like a comfy blanket. I think that my time-saving chores will bring me peace, my clean house will bring me serenity, and that my husband's good mood will restore my own fountain of contentment. So, in theory I should have a life abounding in joy....but that isn't always the case at all.

Today I was preparing my little family to move again. This time we don't have a home we are going to but have decided to go where the wind blows us and see more of beautiful Australia. Yes, I admit, inside I am panicky and trying not to let my mountain of worries explode into a break-down. After all, we are talking about doing all this traveling with a toddler in tow and right now with teething, tantrums, and her furious exploration, toddler times are difficult just in my clean and toddler-proofed home.

So there I was, ironing...not my favorite chore to say the least. My little girl kept wanting to move the ironing board and I kept having to move her and chastise her. I think it was the sixth time I'd had to tell her, "No" and move her away and then it happened. She looked at me with tear-filled eyes and shook one chubby little finger and angrily responded, "No! NO! No!" I stopped and immediately realized how frustrated we both were about the stupid ironing board. It is the first time (and I know not the last time) she has ever said "no".

I shut the door to the room with the terrible ironing board and gathered up my toddler because I needed a hug even if she didn't. Then, when emotions calmed down I sat her on the floor, ready to get back to work. She grinned and immediately started playing her favorite game, "chase". For a moment I thought about how much work waited for me behind that closed door, but then I looked at those sparkling eyes and gave in. We "chased" for almost a half-hour until we were both out of breath and giggling. The sweetest part about playing "chase" with her is that she likes to stop so that I will "catch" her and she can give me a great slobbery kiss.

My heart was so full of happiness I thought not an ounce more of joy could fit in my heart.

And I know, more than ever, that true joy can only be found through God, letting him have my every moment.

Photo by Rigor Mortisque

We All Deserve True Love

9/8/2013

God gave us all a time to be quiet and a time to speak. Proportionally, I truly believe in listening more than talking and I love the old saying, "We have one mouth and two ears therefore we should listen twice as much as we speak."

But, I have a hard time listening to stories of abuse and domestic violence. It pains me to hear accounts of marriages torn by pain and suffering, families trying to endure beyond the fear. I hate to hear these stories because the intense suffering of it hurts me, too. These are people who have been injured intimately by the very people who should have loved them completely, unconditionally, and protected them and supported them in life. To me, abuse and violence is one of the clearest examples of just how broken our world is.

I have a daughter. She is beautiful and precious to me. My husband and I want a brilliant, love-filled present and future for her. I just finished a young-adult novel that included a story of domestic violence. This novel, Unclaimed Legacy by Deborah Heal, showed a home with an abused wife and as I read it I thought about some of my dear friends who have been in marriages and homes with this kind of pain. The thought of my child ever enduring such hurt is troubling and I know I will fight to make sure she never does. I prayed about it and realized I already have two powerful weapons to protect her--God's word and a happy marriage. Making God's teaching part of our daily lives while my husband and I continue to love and support each other and care for our beautiful family will help guide our daughter to a happy future.

I believe we all deserve true love and thankfully we have it unconditionally through Christ.

God, as my child grows, help me guide her towards that kind of love.

Deborah Heal is the author of the Time and Again young adult series. I recommend reading her novels and reading her article about domestic abuse at http://deborahheal.com/staying-relevant-but-keeping-violence-in-ya-fiction-under-control/

Enter her giveaway below for a chance to win the complete Time and Again trilogy signed by the author plus a beautiful mug!

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Confessions of a Lost Day

9/4/2013

I was going to confess, to one and all, that I had a horrible case of the "blahs". Not the blues. The blah's. The I-don't-want-to-think-about-anything-or-do-anything blah's. Gross! Right? Then, I decided not to write about the blahs at all. If I did then everyone would know about the lazy, no-good-done, gray-skied day. And I couldn't do it, because I couldn't stand the thought of seeming less perfect to a single person out there. I'd been slothful, unproductive, and had given in to a fatigue that hadn't been born of hard work or hardship.

How selfish of me. It occurred to me later that admitting our faults is one of the most important feats we can do. I can admit my transgressions, my imperfections and let God help me grow. I can confess them and find sisters and brothers with the same struggles, desperate to find someone help them battle away fears. I can admit to not being perfect, because my change and growth is ongoing until God takes me home.

A dear friend of mine said she gave up on her faith because of happiness. She had bought in to the belief of salvation, saw peace in her own life as she accepted Christ, and then watched in bewilderment as the level of happiness in her life plateaued at a dismal level. She looked around, desperate for answers, for a Christian brother or sister to reach out and say, "It's ok. There is still more to learn, more of your life to give to Christ." but instead all she saw were the perfectly happy faces in pews at church. Feeling like she'd missed some critical element or simply was unfit for whatever gifts of peace were given to those following Christ, she left the church. Thankfully, she returned years later, but for her they will always feel like lost years when she did not have a precious walk with our loving Father.

There is a time for strength, but also a time to be humble. Please, God, show me to be humble. I admit yesterday was horribly unproductive, the house was messy, and I spent hours staring out my window (and at Facebook). The clouds were gone when I woke up this morning and I greeted my tasks with fervor and energy making up for lost time the day before. But, that day of the blah's happened and I gave in to more than I should. Thank goodness God is not done with me yet. Next time I intend on fighting away those gray skies. :)

Photo by Elsie Esq.

So, to my Christian Brothers and Sisters, how would you recommend one to take on the fight against the blahs?