Category: Worry - Everyday Miracles

Courage to Fall in Love With My Premature Babies

8/6/2014

At first I was afraid to love them. Ashamed I even dreaded going into that room where their little bodies lay under plastic, hooked up to monitors, their lungs moving as machines ensured their lungs would breathe and liquid running into their veins made sure they kept on living. Every time a doctor walked up to us I felt like I was dying, just a little. Every time the phone rang my heart would drop. My world was torn and I was trapped in a nightmare. If they survived, the doctors said, they would stay in the hospital for months.

I stood on the brink, ready to jump into one of two deep pools. Because I could no longer stay where I was and remain sane I could feel my heart falling either into a deep resentment for what God had allowed or a faith that would challenge me to see each moment as a gift.

I stood on that brink far too long, building up walls, trying not to have to take responsibility for anything.

But then I jumped.

Suddenly a face obscured by plastic tubing was beautiful. The eyes that blinked out at me from below an IV line were precious. And those girls that scared me more than death itself became my daughters.

I fell deep deep into a love that will never break.

God gave me this. He gave me the courage to take a chance on a broken heart. He gave me the strength to step forward when fear was holding me in place. He showed me how to laugh during times of grief and smile even when disaster seems eminent.

And today I’m holding my girls again. My arms wrap around their growing bodies, devoid of IV lines with lungs that nearly hold their own in the world. I know, as surely as if it were a palpable, touchable thing, that grace is real. That miracles happen.

Newborn photos by Falling Star Photography

God is a Hard Taskmaster

4/16/2014

God, help me to not worry. Show me how I can learn and grow. Teach me to rely on You. Help me strengthen my faith.

I've prayed that prayer thousands of times over the years. I've been a professional worrier since I could toddle. So concerned with the "what ifs" of life I had ulcers around the time I was ten years old.

And as I grew up I realized how great a sin worry is and how desperately my heart needed to be purged of such unfaithful habits.

Slowly, but surely, I did start to change, started to change habits of worry into habits of faith. But, I am still very good at over-planning, over-thinking, over-analyzing problems to the point that I can make myself sick. And with my imagination I don't just consider possibilities, sometimes I even live through them in my head. I can imagine a situation in such detail that I'll be in tears over something that hasn't and might not ever, happen.

Worry is the crack in which the devil hurts me the deepest.

And, I kept praying and praying for God to show me how to change, how to shield my heart and mind against the attacks that I keep inviting into my life.

Well, God is truly a hard taskmaster. I am now getting moment-by-moment lessons on faith. Every second the reality of possibly losing my unborn babies is thrust before me and yet there is still hope that several weeks from now I might hold two healthy baby girls in my arms.

I cannot live but to focus only on what today brings me and not live in fear of what tomorrow might hold. Prayers constantly cross my lips, heart, and mind and a habit that I once thought impossible to learn has now become a necessity for survival. As Jesus said, I must not "worry about tomorrow for today has enough worries of its own." God is teaching me how to live for today and have faith that he will get me through all tomorrow will bring.

I love my Teacher. He has taken a firm hand in making sure I learn and grow. He has listened to my pleas and daily teaches me lessons that strengthen my faith.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."
Matthew 7:7

Photo by Leland Francisco via Flickr

All Things for Good.... Even This

4/11/2014

Use it all God. Every hurt, Every heartbeat. I give it all to you. You use all things for good. Use me.

As I pray those words I can feel it, like a spring bulb emerging from the soil, life is coming out of the coldness and promising beauty.

Right now, my life is in a tender season where every hurt is deep and hard and every joy is brilliant as the sun.

God, in His great wisdom, has given me identical twin girls who now a battle a rare sickness before they are even born. And this has thrown my world upside-down. I left my husband in Russia to see the amazing medical professionals here in the United States. I left my daughter with my mother-in-law while I underwent surgery this week. I lie in bed now trying not to let every worry and doubt shatter my faith into pieces.

But, with every breath, I feel strength of a new and amazing kind burn within me. God is taking me to new heights, burning away the old and replacing it with a new kind of love and power that comes from Him.

And everywhere I look I start to see the changes and am amazed. I am closer to my mother-in-law, loving and appreciating her undaunted insistence to care for her family. I see and admire the strength and love of my sister who has taken me in to care for me even as she juggles her own full life. I thank God daily for the courage and trust of my husband who always knows just what to say to take away my worries and encourage me and I can feel his loving arms around me even though we are oceans apart.

Even when I had to go to Houston for surgery and every moment was a challenge just to remember to focus and breathe and pray, I was blessed with physicians, surgeons, and nurses who cared enough to hold my hand and even hug me in the hard moments. And my brother-in-law who has no experience with pregnancies and babies, took time off of work so that he could see me though the procedure, make me laugh in the hospital, and see me safely back home again.

I can see God smiling at me through every crack in this topsy-turvey world. His love shines out at me through a thousand souls who pray for us, hug us, love us, and offer a helping hand.

So, God, let me not see this as a time of pity, but a time for your power. Use it all for Your great good. I give it all to you.

Photo by Fountain_Head via Flikr

Old Mexico

1/15/2014

I remember the first time I went to Mexico. I went down to visit my husband's family. We were only dating then. It was before all the problems with the drug cartels and the little border town was alive and swinging. But, back then, on the arm of my boyfriend and armed with only basic Spanish phrases, going into Old Mexico was terrifying for me.

It was a situation marinated in discomfort. I didn't know the language. I didn't understand the culture. I was young, shy, and worried about impressing an extended family that might someday become my in-laws.

That trip was a total of three days and seemed to last a lifetime.

I've went back a few times since then, and each time I've felt more relaxed and a bit more comfortable. But nothing compared to this last trip that we took back in December.

It was... to put it in one word... beautiful. My husband's family was going down to visit and to do some work on a ranch. Since I had the little one to look after I opted to stay only a few days. But it was definitely a precious experience. My daughter got to meet her great grandmother and spend lots of time with aunts, uncles, and cousins. When it came time for me to return to the states I realized that there had been no discomfort, no worries, no fear or thoughts of being insufficient. I had been happy.

What changed? My husbands family had undergone no earth-shattering transformations. The were the same sweet, welcoming people that I've known for years. The little Mexican town was altered, of course, there were new modern stores and other examples of progress on its bright-colored streets. But that didn't account for just how different I felt this time compared all the times before.

I knew though what made this visit so different... it was me. It was a shift in my motives and thoughts. That first time I'd come down all I thought about was me. I thought about how I liked the food, how strange the culture was to me. I worried about whether I was liked or accepted by by his family. All negative and all self-centered.

But this time, this time the trip was not about me at all. I thought about other things, like how precious it was that my husband's grandmother got to meet her great granddaughter. I thought about how sweet it was to share dinner with an aunt and uncle and laugh with them when my little girl ate multiple homemade tortillas. I thought about how blessed my family was to be able to come there.

How much a person can change in eight years is incredible. But, I think all my best changes have come from God. Every time I've struggled, every time I've taken on challenges, every time I've allowed faith to reign instead of fear I've been changed. Surely, I am thankful for every time God takes out his tools of change and goes to work on my heart and soul.

Photo by medea_material

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
2 Corinthians 5:17

What have you experienced in life that has altered your heart?

Living in the Now

12/9/2013

Okay, it is THAT time of the year. Yes, we are all wonderfully excited to celebrate the birth of Jesus and His wonderful gift to us. But, from Thanksgiving to New Year's day, life piles on the stress. Hold on, breathe, and remember... God never means for us to live with constant planning and worry in our heads. He wants us to trust Him and to live in the moment.

My holiday season was jump-started with my little girl having surgery, preparing an early Thanksgiving dinner for our Australian friends, and then packing to go back to the States.

I got on that plane and had to remind myself to breathe and let God have it all. It was a hard trip.

Oh, how I dearly wanted someone else to take her off my hands. When it was all said and done, getting from our friend's house in Tumbarumba, Australia to my sister's house in the States meant that I was on Mommy duty 24 hours straight with almost no sleep. Yes, my husband was there to hold her and do all those amazing things that got us through security and on the right airplane, but she was still very scared and stressed from her surgery and mostly only wanted her mom's arms.

For days, no, weeks, before this, I had gotten not even a single night of complete sleep. I had reached that ultimate depth of sleep-deprivation that I hadn't felt since Adela was a newborn. However, if I wasn't thinking about how tired I was or worrying about how I was going to get Adela used to a new time zone, life seemed so much more manageable. I made my mind focus on things like: I love the feeling of her sleeping on my shoulder. or I'm so happy that she is ok simply playing between our legs. or How blessed we are that we are getting to go home to our families for the holidays.

But, it was definitely a battle. Several times I started to get angry and frustrated. I would angrily scream inside my head that I just wanted to be alone for 15 minutes so I could feel sane again. But those thoughts did absolutely nothing for me. I knew that having the right mindset was more important than anything else in the world.

It was truly a miracle that I arrived with a smile on my face and still had a heart full of kind feeling and a mind full of warm thoughts.

But that was God. That was all Him. That was all Him working through me as He trained me to live where He placed me...to live in the now.

Lets let Him have our every moment this Holiday season. Let us embrace this time that is usually packed to the brim with whatever life throws at us and have a heart that lives in the now and enjoys the beauty of every moment.

God Bless you all. Happy Holidays!

Photo by epSos.de

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
Be acceptable in Your sight,
O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer
Psalm 19:14

When Fear Threatens Faith

12/6/2013

I was doing her hair that morning. Putting all that baby hair into it's little top-knot when the fear rolled over me and I could think and feel nothing else. Somewhere, deep inside me, I knew God waited with a well of peace, but right then my thoughts raced. Who would take down her hair? What will she be like in a few hours after surgery? What will happen to my little girl?

An over-active imagination at this point only gives the devil amazing amounts of fuel for torment. And, I couldn't fight it.

I had to almost gag down my breakfast. But I had to eat. When would we get a chance to eat again? My husband and I knew that frustration and low-energy brought on by hunger would do nobody any favors on this day. The doctor had told us to meet him at the children's ward so that he and the surgeon could make a decision about what to do with my little Adela--remove her swollen lymph node or drain an abscess that they suspected was deep within the mass of tissue.

God, oh God, why can't I feel your peace? Is there any way to feel you, hear you right now?

I was drowning in the fear. And then I remembered someone telling me to read Psalms on that day.

So I did. And peace fought its way back into my heart.

I needed something exterior of my own pain to force an idea of God's grace into my head.

But it didn't end there. The whole day was a fight for calm. A fight for patience. A fight to retain faith that in every way God was reigning over our lives and His will would be done.

The pediatrician and surgeon looked Adela over and decided to go in first and try to drain what they though was an abscess. I dressed up in the gown and cap so I could be with her when she fell asleep and them my husband and I sat out in the waiting area. Waiting. Trying not to drown in the fear.

I knew in my head that God was there. I kept praying, thanking him for being part of my life, but the fear for my little girl threatened the strength of my faith. The faith in His promises.

Yet He was truly with us the entire time. The surgery went well and when I held her in my arms again, felt the deep breaths of her body and heard her childish babble, fear gave way to thankfulness.

Oh, God, I am such a child still, needing so many reminders of how carefully you watch over us. Forgive my doubts. Train me to forget my worries. Help me to always feel your grace deep in my soul.

They're Watching

11/4/2013

I don't know about you, but when I go to the salon to get my haircut I find it difficult submitting my head to the lady with the crazy chopped-up hair-do. Why? Because I think that if I let her start snipping then I'll end up like her.

Its the same thing with adds on TV. If I wear that shirt...I want to look like her. Or, "Surely those pills don't work...look how unhappy he is." And on, and on.

Well, guess what...you are a walking-talking-billboard for the lifestyle you lead.

I heard a story about a lady who became a Christian after ten years of marriage. She found Christ and wanted desperately for her husband to make the same choice. She pushed and pulled. She nagged and bribed. She tried everything to get him to read the Bible, go to church, and be saved.

At each and every attempt she failed miserably. Finally, she stopped trying and started praying. God told her to leave her husband's soul to Him. This lady then started to simply live her Christian life just as God gave it to her. She became happier as she learned to give her worries over to Him and to rely on His strength and guidance.

And then the miracle happened.

One day she was cooking up supper after a long day at work and after having to redirect the poor attitudes of their teenage boys. As she cooked she hummed one of her favorite hymns, praying for her family, and finding peace in the quiet of her little kitchen. "Wow." She heard her husband whisper and looked up to see him watching her. "I don't know how you do it." She stopped and stared at him and said, "Me neither, but I'm thankful."

That Sunday her husband actually drove the family to church. Later he confessed that he'd been watching her for years. He'd thought the whole "being saved" thing was a joke. He said he didn't understand why his wife kept insisting that Christ was wonderful and powerful and life changing. All he saw was an unhappy nagging wife with nothing about the Christian life that seemed worth adopting. But when she'd let it go and allowed God's love and peace to reign, she became positive advertisement for the Christian lifestyle.

I love her story. I think of her and tell myself, "Remember, they're watching.

Photo by Leonid Mamchenkov

Chasing Joy

9/10/2013

My heart was so full of joy at that moment that I sucked in a breath and whispered, "God, thank you so much for this."

I chase happiness constantly, don't we all? I have many different silly little ways I think I can keep happiness around me like a comfy blanket. I think that my time-saving chores will bring me peace, my clean house will bring me serenity, and that my husband's good mood will restore my own fountain of contentment. So, in theory I should have a life abounding in joy....but that isn't always the case at all.

Today I was preparing my little family to move again. This time we don't have a home we are going to but have decided to go where the wind blows us and see more of beautiful Australia. Yes, I admit, inside I am panicky and trying not to let my mountain of worries explode into a break-down. After all, we are talking about doing all this traveling with a toddler in tow and right now with teething, tantrums, and her furious exploration, toddler times are difficult just in my clean and toddler-proofed home.

So there I was, ironing...not my favorite chore to say the least. My little girl kept wanting to move the ironing board and I kept having to move her and chastise her. I think it was the sixth time I'd had to tell her, "No" and move her away and then it happened. She looked at me with tear-filled eyes and shook one chubby little finger and angrily responded, "No! NO! No!" I stopped and immediately realized how frustrated we both were about the stupid ironing board. It is the first time (and I know not the last time) she has ever said "no".

I shut the door to the room with the terrible ironing board and gathered up my toddler because I needed a hug even if she didn't. Then, when emotions calmed down I sat her on the floor, ready to get back to work. She grinned and immediately started playing her favorite game, "chase". For a moment I thought about how much work waited for me behind that closed door, but then I looked at those sparkling eyes and gave in. We "chased" for almost a half-hour until we were both out of breath and giggling. The sweetest part about playing "chase" with her is that she likes to stop so that I will "catch" her and she can give me a great slobbery kiss.

My heart was so full of happiness I thought not an ounce more of joy could fit in my heart.

And I know, more than ever, that true joy can only be found through God, letting him have my every moment.

Photo by Rigor Mortisque

Confessions of a Lost Day

9/4/2013

I was going to confess, to one and all, that I had a horrible case of the "blahs". Not the blues. The blah's. The I-don't-want-to-think-about-anything-or-do-anything blah's. Gross! Right? Then, I decided not to write about the blahs at all. If I did then everyone would know about the lazy, no-good-done, gray-skied day. And I couldn't do it, because I couldn't stand the thought of seeming less perfect to a single person out there. I'd been slothful, unproductive, and had given in to a fatigue that hadn't been born of hard work or hardship.

How selfish of me. It occurred to me later that admitting our faults is one of the most important feats we can do. I can admit my transgressions, my imperfections and let God help me grow. I can confess them and find sisters and brothers with the same struggles, desperate to find someone help them battle away fears. I can admit to not being perfect, because my change and growth is ongoing until God takes me home.

A dear friend of mine said she gave up on her faith because of happiness. She had bought in to the belief of salvation, saw peace in her own life as she accepted Christ, and then watched in bewilderment as the level of happiness in her life plateaued at a dismal level. She looked around, desperate for answers, for a Christian brother or sister to reach out and say, "It's ok. There is still more to learn, more of your life to give to Christ." but instead all she saw were the perfectly happy faces in pews at church. Feeling like she'd missed some critical element or simply was unfit for whatever gifts of peace were given to those following Christ, she left the church. Thankfully, she returned years later, but for her they will always feel like lost years when she did not have a precious walk with our loving Father.

There is a time for strength, but also a time to be humble. Please, God, show me to be humble. I admit yesterday was horribly unproductive, the house was messy, and I spent hours staring out my window (and at Facebook). The clouds were gone when I woke up this morning and I greeted my tasks with fervor and energy making up for lost time the day before. But, that day of the blah's happened and I gave in to more than I should. Thank goodness God is not done with me yet. Next time I intend on fighting away those gray skies. :)

Photo by Elsie Esq.

So, to my Christian Brothers and Sisters, how would you recommend one to take on the fight against the blahs?

Teething Troubles

8/27/2013

I could feel God so close to me as I held my daughter, hoping the Tylenol would kick in soon. Molars. My little toddler was being gifted with her molars coming in, swelling up her gums, and painfully trying to make an appearance. She’d woke up that night screaming. And even when I soothed her she whimpered with pain.

I thanked God for the painkillers, carefully measured them into her tiny mouth and held her close. The night seemed so large and empty for a while. I’m so used to filling space that for a few moments I panicked, wondering what I should do (MP3, Kindle?) as I willed her body to respond to the painkillers and to relax into sleep again. Then I remembered, I could pray.

But I was too tired to think of words for Him. Too tired to think up a genuine praise. All I wanted in that moment was for the night to seem less empty and daunting. I wanted to feel God’s presence more than anything I could think of right then.

And, I’d just read an article that recommended a very Yoga-like exercise. The author had said something to the affect that one should breathe in God’s grace and to exhale your worries, fears… So I did. Breath after breath. Slow and deep. I let God fill the emptiness.

And He showed me something precious. He showed me that right there, right that moment, He was pleased with me, pleased with my love towards my daughter, pleased with my honest care of her life, and pleased that I wanted Him to fill my heart.

I rocked her so long, her little hands open and limp at her sides, her long black eyelashes resting on her flushed cheeks. Through my exhaustion and beyond my desperation, God filled up the night with His presence.

Photo by Valentina Powers

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us...

Romans 8:26