Now

Today I wanted my baby to grow up NOW.  It wasn't a pretty line of thoughts.  She got into my neatly folded laundry and created pile of disaster.  She refused her favorite food because SHE wanted to use the spoon.  It was immensely funny to her when I stubbed my toe and no matter how dirty her diaper was she was seriously inconvenience by having to spend a couple minutes on the changing table. 

I was DONE with her.  I put her down for a nap and put my head in my hands as she loudly protested that there were better things to do than sleep.  I daydreamed of caps and gowns and this vague future when she will leave my home. 

And then I stopped.

What was I doing?  Wasn't this the child I'd ached for?  Planned for over the years?  Hadn't my arms felt hungry to hold her and that first time I looked at her face my love for her had been so consuming. 

STOP..STOP..........Lora, stop.

God gave me her.  She is so precious and anxious to learn and I need to be here for her...now.  This moment is what counts...not today or tomorrow, because I have no idea what those days will bring.  But here, this day, this moment...I'm her mother, here to love her and teach her.  God has given me everything needed and right to make it through.

I breathed.  I lifted my head to the stillness of the house and walked to her bedroom.  Peeping in the door I saw her already sound asleep, the little toy giraffe tucked beneath one arm and her dark hair falling over her forehead.  Precious.  Perfect.  My daughter.

If parenthood can't teach you to live in the moment then nothing will.  Every day is full of its own pains and triumphs and if I focus on tomorrow, I'll miss the beauty of today. 

Photo by Eren